Saturday, July 31, 2004
You're just not breathing right.
The feeling you get when you walk down a long lonely street, next to dingy buildings and rows of cars. You feel as if someone is about to pounce on you or frighten you with with a whistle or hum of a familiar tune. You feel as if someone's shadow is about to touch your own shadow. I am not moving fast enough.The feeling you get when you realise your pair of jeans can slip off your hips with just a bit of effort. You know they were fairly loose before but, somehow, they have loosen up, more.
The feeling I get when what I think and feel cannot keep up with what I say and write. There is a maelstrom in me. I want it to simmer down but it keeps on spinning me around.
I know I am the asthmatic when I start to lose control of the things that are happening to me, around me.
lux at 10:35 pm
Friday, July 30, 2004
One-point perspective
In art and design, where lines be they horizontal, vertical or diagonal are drawn to a vanishing point in order to create the illusion of three-dimensional space on a two-dimensional canvas.I have friends with me. New friends yes, acquaintances yes. The sense of security you get when there are familiar faces and surroundings. I am living with all of that. I have not reached the homesickness stage of i want to go home cos there's a dark cold pit in melb that's swallowing me up.
Why do I feel lonely?
Is it because of the lies? Do not tell them when the reality is staring at my face. It hurts me more because the shadow that shrouds your face gets darker with each word you say.
Is it because of the silences? I am the actor. You are the shadow on stage hearing me perform my monologue. With every phrase I utter you will push me to the edge of the stage until I teeter and fall off.
A smile and a laugh makes it seem all so simple for me. So I will practice a smile and a laugh to perfection whilst the darkness consumes me inside.
lux at 4:27 pm
Thursday, July 29, 2004
shaded
Super!! You are WILLEM DE KOONING.You think just like you paint: in the abstract. You
live well outside of the box and never know
where life will take you next. Your friends
admire your ability to fearlessly veer away
from the boundaries of society.
Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
When you've done the same quiz twice, at different times, and arrived at the same result; trust it.
And this blog needs some colour anyway. For the lazy baka who refuses to find a host for her non-jpg pics, this is perfect.
lux at 11:12 pm
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Water cube
A few things I can't stand about winter in oz:a) the jitters I get when I step out of the shower
b) gusty winds that blow my hair around and send shivers down my spine
c) unpredictable rain showers [considering that lazy me don't carry a brolly around]
d) no snow
e) being woken up in the early morning by cold toes [socks cramp up my toes]
f) green leaves on some trees [I was eagerly expecting the minimalist beauty of skeletal trees]
A few things I've grown to like about winter:
a) piling on layers of clothes in a myriad of colours
b) hot chocolate, latte and macchiato
c) ice cubes which don't melt in my drinks
lux at 10:57 pm
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Bar None
Today I attended my first psychology lecture: Social, Developmental and Clinical Psychology 1 and also my first tutorial on the subject. I could feel the springs in my brain going 'BOIngBoINGbOINg!' and getting entangled as I tried to assimilate all the scientific matter invading my head. Words like 'standard deviation','mean', 'hypothesis', 'independent variable', 'dependent variable' amongst many horrid others were like missiles, hurling themselves at me. Phwooarrrrr there is to be a make up lecture for the statistics component which second semester students like me have missed. For someone who has zilch stats foundation and is immune to the study of science for exam purposes, this is not going to be a smooth ride.After months of deliberation and hesitation, I'm still not sure why I signed up for this course anyway. Perhaps I thought Psychology is going to be, possibly, the most economically viable degree course to take? So should I continue taking the subject? I don't see how I can last through two years of this course. Maybe I'm being immature and forming these biased opinions on the course and almost shutting it out of me head.
To anyone reading this blog - HELP ME! Advice me by tagging on this blog, emailing me, calling me, smsing me, talking to me... anything! I have got a week to change my subject combination. Gosh I thought I'd stick to Psych, didn't know I will be considering English and Asian Studies at this juncture.
lux at 8:23 pm
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Do I have your faith?
In less than two weeks I've attended the Melbourne Hope Christian Church. Well I'm pissed now because (dunno what blogger has done) the article I've been typing for so long has effectively disappeared, unsaved unpublished. So religion will have to put up with the ill-grace of being written curtly, unfavourably on.- It's Charismatic-Pentecostal
- I attended with strong preconceptions
- I've already discussed religion with Christian and non-Christian friends and if they can't sway me, this definitely can't
- I find pastors touching people's forehead and praying for them while the rest wait in queues, odd
- I find people hugging each other for emotional and physical support odd. Come on it's all done in unison, like it's some church ritual
- I find the raising of palms and going down on knees in praise of the Lord, unusual
- So I'm a conservative stick-in-the-mud.
- They all talk about accepting God and welcoming Him into your heart and putting complete faith in Him
I never wanted to attend today's sermon because it's the first invitation and accepting it almost means telling the rest, "Hey I'll be coming regularly from now on!" I dislike such obligations.
Okay I'm thoroughly pissed with this entry. Can't believe my well-thought out initial draft disappeared just like that. They said getting angry for the wrong reasons is sinning. I don't think I'll polish this entry up. Let it be. Religion (which means God, the church, the people and the faith here) now is not for me.
lux at 5:19 pm
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Bitchin and retribution
okie so i blabbed on and on and on last night, to five peeps no less, about how me roommate's not payin' me back. how she's complicatin' matters by bringin' in the issue of internet charges, how she doesnt wanna share the margarine blah blah and blah. so i've been solitary banker for more than a week, includin' today, and yet she's bein' so nitty picky over monetary tingle-tangle. me mum said that when it comes to finance, there must be give and take. so i've been givin' so far. what abt her? she owes me, in essence, a little over 1100 aussies.she said her dad's policin' her finances tightly. come on, it's not like i'm some high flyer either.
so i bitched on and on, and thot on and on about footin' the entire bill for grocery shoppin' today.
and then i
tripped
fell
and bloodied my knees and hands
tore my lurvely fcuk drawstring at the knees
and unashamedly 'Fucked' the entire walk back to arrow.
still pissed now. will remain pissed every time i wear those pants.
short fuse, big bruise
lux at 8:07 pm
Friday, July 23, 2004
Tweak tweak, giggle
Today I finally met her. I thought it wouldn't have been possible given the lapse in time, the break in communication and the size of the university campus. Not that it's difficult to navigate the uni, rather it has been relatively easy orienteering without maps or asking strangers. Fact is the campus to the rest of Melbourne is comparatively small and the buildings are all packed into a few plots of land. So I guess it was just a matter of time before I met her.And when I saw her I was so happy. She always gives me this warm, cuddly feeling. Just straightforward, down-to-earth, unpretentious and that oft candid manner... Gosh I just lurve her attitude man. We've known each other for so long. Thru S&D. And even though we seldom get together outside lessons, it seems like no time was really lost when we actually do meet up. So queer a friendship. It's been the longest for me, though definitely not the closest or strongest. I've yet to ask her if the friendship's strong.
But crikey, seeing her was the best encounter for me thus far this week.
lux at 4:16 pm
You're my Stereo MC
YOU ARE BASIL
What herb are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hahaha, my roommate was singing along to a mandarin song today with her headphones on. I was so thankful for that, cos I'd a good time laughing man! She just totally went off-tune, big time buddy, when she attempted to hit the high notes.
Gosh this will be one of those entries I've to delete if she ever pounces on this blog. Shuuuush let's keep this quiet for now, okie? Whahahha I bet I go off-tune in the shower too.
lux at 12:35 am
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Knots
Art History Cultural Studies Psychology Sociology
lux at 10:42 am
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
What's ya Style, darling?
Bloody tired with weak, dictated prosepissed with ::
dry cold Winter where winds swim gamely thru corridors
city food culture` large food portions` the carbo overdose` so wanna puke
selfdiscriminating Asians sporeans whack ya grovellin' grinnin' asses
thinning fibres in jeans pockets so poorly so poorly
suction hooks with no suction
Wall:
'Why wont't ya all grip on to me, dudes?
love so::
printed sweaters in autumn-ie colours` dig a fcuk style
squishy quilt wards off draught demons
mental graffiti
Temporary blogtemplate till generous individuals design another for me.
lux at 10:49 pm
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Belly up, European style
Two days in a row, I ate sumptuously. The first was at this themed restaurant called the Cuckoo on Mount Dandenoong. The geographical wonder was about an arduous hour’s drive from the city. Nope, we didn’t sign up for the excursion by intention but rather ended up going by chance. We were mucking around Arrow [our apartment block] when we met this gal who showed us the laundry and gym areas. We wrapped up the mini show-around with a half hour talk in the latter.A trip to the Dandenoong would have cost nearly a hundred if guided by experts so we didn’t mind being led blindly by greenhorns for free. Dandenoong turned out to be quite disappointing. All we saw were remains of a restaurant and the pile of garbage it left behind. I think if we arrived at the other side of the mountain the view will have been more breathtaking. For one, it’s not difficult to find something more breathtaking than the ‘Dandenoong we saw’. However it was, indeed, literally breathtaking on the peaks. The weather was horrendously cold with gusty winds slapping your face and legs.
Then there was Cuckoo's Bavarian buffet spread which was excellent [save for the lack of vegetable dishes] and it's homey décor which Marche aspired to but failed miserably at. The waitresses wore these costumes complete with aprons, corsets, big flouncy skirts and boots [I think]. We were entertained briefly by a bald headed guy singing Sinatra’s Fly Away With Me, Tom Jones and other classic numbers. Woohhhh they had so much dessert man. Cakes of all sorts, pancakes with icecream and syrup, mousse and pastries and…. They had, they claimed, the largest mechanical cuckoo clock in the world. Even if it turned out to be a heady claim it was magnificient nonetheless: forests and deer were carved into solid redwoord. Altogether: good.
Then it was down Lygon street which was packed with Italian eateries. Bistros, cafes, alfresco dining, fine dining, ice cream palours, cakeries etc all were selling the Italian cuisine. We ate at Cafe Cabretto where it was snug and warm on the inside. The lasagna, bruschetta with tomatoes and herbs, traditional salmon pizza and fettuccine with chicken was all excellente! We wanted to try the dolce pizza [desserts like nutella, fruits or chocolate get smothered on thin pizza crusts] and the gelati icecream but we were either too full or too cold for them. That's a pity.
We heard that when the F1 Grand Prix came to Melbourne this year, the whole of Lygon street was turned into some extended racing car showroom, with those sleek monsters lining the entire street. Wooh wooh for me.
lux at 11:17 am
Friday, July 16, 2004
The price for a screwdriver will be AUD$0.12
Today we went zooting around for our necessitites. As usual we were financially needy - my bank draft will probably only be fully cashed in by Monday and my roommate's waiting for her telegraphic transfer to be accounted for in 48 hours time. This leaves us with less than 200 in ready cash and all of it coming from me... So its budget budget shopping. Thankfully there're lotsa them here in melbourne city, though the prices can't beat those from Fairprice. Tell my wallet this is not some fraud?!I signed a 24 month contract with Optus and got a Samsung E700 at zero dollars. It's not free, come on! If I break this I am fully liable to pay a heavy price for it. I'm not sure if this is the best deal around. However mobile phone plans are fairly complicated here. I'll briefly explain the situation we're facing now:
- There are several service providers: Optus [mine], Vodafone, Hutchison 3 [I think, this being rather obscure], Virgin and maybe more obscure ones
- Slightly dated phone models like Nokia 6610i cost around $300 over the counter, without a trade-in, without a plan.
- My plan: rollback [make more calls in a month and reduce length of entire contract], rollover [the exact opposite of the above], and a choice of either of these four 1. 30cents/10mins 7am - 8pm daily in oz, 2. 30cents/10mins every night in oz, 3. 30cents/10mins weekend in oz, 4. free 20 mins every night in oz
- I chose the option 4 which means I will hang up after every 20 minutes.
- Each service provider has plans favouring their customers ie. my precious 20 minutes are solely reserved for Optus users.
- For my plan, sms costs 25cents be it in Oz or international; calls are charged at a flat rate of 42.9cents/30secs; international calls at 29cents/min
- Best thing about mobile phones in Oz: the Free Incoming Calls!
There seems to be no way to effectively mend that widening hole in my pocket. Even if I comfort myself by saying, "It's all part of the establishment costs, lux.", it does not change the fact that prices are fairly steep here and the exchange rate favours the Aussie dollar.
I found an excuse to be fashionable with the [actually not too sudden realisation] that my Nike tennis shoes were a size too tight. I knew they were uncomfortable before I wore them over for the ultimate walking experience [you walk a lot in the city] but I thought that with repeated usage the material fibres will stretch and expand. Presumably, I was foolish in thinking this way. So a pair of two-inched brown suede boots now stand assertively next to the rejected pair.
Realising we had to stretch the worth of our [and for the present, mine] dollar, we did budget grocery shopping. Thanks to Home Brand, similar to the Fairprice brand back home, and their subgrade, affordable olive oil and sweetened condensed milk and one-ply toilet paper.
And we cooked. We had no knives, chopping board and only a saucepan to begin with. The bottle of oyster sauce had a bottle cap which bottlecap-opener-less girls cannot open with bare hands and the primitive hot/cold water technique. We did have stirfried bakchoy and soggy egg-coated rice in the end. Oh yes, the rice was soggy even though we have a rice cooker. And it's not machinery malfunction but a clueless friend switching off the power when the lid started dancing on hot steam and bubbles. Our meal would have been tasteless if not for the substitution of screwdriver for lid opener.
When we heard that priceless 'POP!'...
lux at 7:00 pm
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Where the sun rises in the north and sets in the south
I've safely arrived in Melbourne after a terrible plane flight. The meals were served three hours apart - around 10 for dinner and 130 in the morn for breakfast. The shrimp salad was unbearably bland and salty all at once and the main course was overcooked fish with flavourless rice. Qantas honestly is not the best airline to take.My apartment in Arrow's so so small! Actually I'm not really complaining because after hearing what my friend who entered Trinity earlier this year has said, I was prepared for anything less than satisfactory. The worst thing here's the view. There's this patch of wasteland right in front of our building with scraggly grass and caked up sand. Beyond that's redbrick buildings with graffitied walls and even smoke issuing out from a factory's chimney. The whole picture's pretty bleak and 18th century English working class city, I'd imagine.
The weather outside's cold and very dry. Towards the evening the wind starts to blow relentlessly against your face and you can feel your rows of teeth hitting each other nervously.
Shopping's a chore honestly. There're lots of budget supermarkets with great deals. Today I bought pillows, a brush (apparently I forgot to bring my favourite pink one), Dynamo and some three-plug hardware thingy. Shops close early here. In Singapore 9pm's a decent pack-up time; but here where the days are short, 6pm's a stretch. So this means no opening a bank account, purchasing of mobile phone and endless shopping for me.
Am I homesick yet? A little, though I know it'll get more intense with the passing of days. Here I feel immature and un-streetwise. The gears here click with different sounds. I am bereft of the comforts I have back home - homecooked meals, my whirling green office chair, a snug comforter and cups and cups of plain water. Oh and to add on to the inconveniences I'm now facing - the plug adaptor I bought doesn’t work properly. I think they got the plastic moulded wrongly or something. Gosh and it was the only one I bought.
From Singapore to Oz the plane cruises for under 7 hours but the emotional turbulence I've to face seems to go on forever.
lux at 6:21 pm
Monday, July 12, 2004
The ties that bind
Today I went to Novena Church even though I'm no Catholic. No service, no rosary, no bouquets, I was there simply to pray for my family and friends. My friends have been asking why I want to make a trip down so urgently... well the reason's really uncomplicated and obvious for me.Thinking about it, going there today has almost completed the cycle for me. It all started with my mum.
She went there years ago to pray and make offerings in the hope that I'd enter my primary school. Soon, I was enrolled in C.H.I.J. Bukit Timah. Till this day it remains the school which has left the strongest, most stubborn mark on my developing years.
She went there once more to pray when my father and grandfather lost his job during the Asian economic meltdown and when my grandfather got hospitalised after a stroke almost simulataneously. Being the unripe green fruit I was then, I had little inkling of these weighty, serious matters happening around me. But I was mature enough to know that it was an aggravating period for my mum.
Likewise I sought solace from praying in the church when my grandfather died years later from stroke. I prayed for his safe journey to a better place, regardless of time spent atoning for his earthly sins.
Today, more than a decade after my mum prayed for my smooth transition to state education I prayed that I will successfully complete this last stage.
I simply hope that nothing unforeseen and unfortunate will befall my family come these four years. They said Novena's well-known for being able to fulfil wishes and perform 'miracles'. So part of the reason why I went down today was because I was superstitious. When it comes to those I love and care, no amount of rational thought can assure or truly convince me.
I hope He hears me.
lux at 11:06 pm
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Ice Cream Assassin
As I sat on the bus today having a wave of motion sickness sweep over me, I concluded that you don't have to be a surrealist to excel at putting together disparate elements and calling this art. The things that happen in my life every day seem so odd when I do take time to view them as a whole. Who says the whole is better than the sum of its parts?Today for example:
1. Facial rejuvenation with pinching, eyebrow trimming and cold mask treatment
2. Watching a shonen-ai anime episode involving a female toilet bowl, european settings and an heir to the demon kingdom
3. Gawking at American fast-food culture
Like the surrealists, who elaborate on their paintings sculpture theatre and music with lengthy, comical explanations, I will herethereto describe today in presumably less colourful prose:
1. It was a trip down to the facial salon where the lady laughed bemusedly when she saw me spotted face. She proceeded to reprimand me - never eat enough fruits issit? ngek ngek ngek, must use our renewal cream okay? renewal cream! [x5 over the course of the trip] Then it was some poking, pinching and squeezing which was unbearable even if it came a few ticks shy of the hour. The best part was the cold mask! I wriggled me facial muscles and managed to shift it slightly in all directions. Come on, I was masked for 45 minutes in a semi-comatose position.
2. It's called Kyou Kara Maou, and I don't know what's the literal English translation. I think the last word means demon or something. Anyway the animation's average, soundtrack [if any] forgettable and character design typical. So I suppose the rave reviews it received on a blog must be for the dodgy shonen-ai factor. The first episode ends with the lead meeting his future good friend, ie. partner/fiance/doujinshi love interest, and proclaiming 'Bishonen!' [pretty boy]. Those dozens of sexually-deprived yet imaginative teenagers should watch this when craving hormonal stimulation.
3. Super Size Me by Morgan Spurlock was interesting though not exactly thought-provoking. Being Southeast Asian, genetically blessed slim and calorie-watching the film didn't inspire me to jam-cram detox sessions. The funniest part was seeing only one out of 5/6 children wild guess the personality on a picture card to be George W. Bush [and have Spurlock say 'That's close'] when it turns out to be the Son. Jesus Christ Superstar indeed. 83 golden marches in Manhatten; 52 litres of soda for a man in a fortnight; and an unbelievable Cheeseburger Bill. America you really shock me. Being bigboned doesn't justify the overly generous amounts consumed in every meal. Not all Asians are petite. Famous Singaporean dishes are ticking cholesterol-bombs [and married Singaporean women tend to get fat in the mids-]. Honestly it's about lifestyle choices.
If I really wrote each entry like I did for the above, listing down in fair detail every significant event for the day it can get quite boring. But it also shows that the strongest links the events share are the choices I make and the cards Fate has dealt for me. Everytime I reflect on the day which has just ended I realise how special my life is to me.
And like the surrealists, pick a title that demands attention and seems so, well irrelevant. A toast to you, Ms Amos.
lux at 12:07 am
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Cotton wool in my ears
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Hey everyone needs a mental trigger once in a while right? I cannot say this is thoroughly accurate as I've yet to decide on college course. An idealist? What does this mean? The word doesn't especially inspire confidence.
Listening to Chloe and Melodie from the Noir OST. Both work on very simple melodies with gentle tinkling bells in the background. One of the best soundtrack finds for me. Coming close to Amelie.
lux at 12:23 pm
finger clickin
what's your cowboy bebop theme song?
You are Samuel Taylor Coleridge! The infamous
"archangel a little damaged!" You
took drugs and talked for hours, it's true, but
you also made a conscious choice to cultivate
the image of the deranged poet in a frenzy of
genius. You claimed you wrote "Kubla
Khan" in an afternoon after a laudanum,
when you pretty manifestly did no such thing.
You and your flashing eyes and floating hair.
And your brilliant scholarship and obvious
genius.
Which Major Romantic Poet Would You Be (if You Were a Major Romantic Poet)?
brought to you by Quizilla
I decided to transfer some of the more interesting personality tests I've attempted and posted on me previous blog. It's a disease I've caught from my jc class, a furious mouse-clicking syndrome which entertains us no less. Good for relieving examination stress, relationship problems and the occassional need for self-assertion.
Oh and it's addictive. I'll transfer more over to this blog...
lux at 11:47 am
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Well, well
I chanced upon something I don't suppose I was meant to see. Let me correct that - wasn't meant to see. Relationships of all sorts are sticky, murky affairs which have always succeeded in driving splinters further down my arse than school and work ever have. This entry has everything to do with the just-recent previous one. [By making things so obvious, I run the risk of having another blog entry written in retaliation by an embittered person] So I can make things simple and keep this blog purely private which will honestly take the fun out of this project of mine.But what a complicated project!
BITCH YOU LUX!
You are everything bad that you thought yourself to be. Even your grammar's falling to bits. You're egoistic, defensive, self-righteous, illogical , disorganised and a sentimental brat who thinks more than she does.
I thought that by listing down everything wrong with me I've managed to alleviate the pain but, obviously, I was wrong. No amount of self-blame can erase the hurt I've caused myself and others. Hurt and defense - it's not a cycle, just tango between two unkind partners.
lux at 10:50 pm
Needle scratched the record!
Its better to trust till proven wrong than to doubt till proven right.I think friendships work better this way, right? How can you, who have shortchanged my trust so many times, believe in the latter when it comes to anything about her? Or do you also view me in similar regard?
lux at 10:38 pm
Sunday, July 04, 2004
gazehaze.dreamdays
;
lux at 1:43 pm
In Vitro
My previous blog is not defunct, it is just living out the rest of a humbled, doddering existence. A week from now I'll be starting entirely from scratch, save for old clothes, a two-month old 'lifeline' notebook, a passport and some documents which will determine how old/qualified/unqualified I am. Oh and shoes too. A character from Hana Yori Dango said something like - Always wear the best shoes, and they'll take you to the best places. So taking the road many before me have taken, will it necessarily be the best for me?I decided that I'd be more honest here even if I will still twiddle me thumbs and stuff those hands into my pockets. Will my friends come to know of this self-experiment of mine? Most probably. Blogs are self-indulgent methods of establishing one's public identity. To those who know me and bother to read my yarn, comment online and not to me directly. I'm not distinguishing myself from the online me, the latter being ,afterall, a manifestation of the real me. I see this blog as an extension of my contained life, one which uncoils itself on a momentum and seeks no interference.
'Every time you make an important choice, the part of you left behind continues the other life you could have had.'
Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
Perhaps this diary of mine becomes the link between the one I was remembered to be then, and the one I am now.
lux at 12:51 pm