Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I met my childhood friend here in Melbourne. It has been over ten years since we last played in the park together or slept in her bedroom. I remember how I took a stab at finding her on icq and was successful at it. That was about three odd years ago. Now in this new continent how everything comes full circle. However ten years is long and we have both changed.
I am such a hypocrite: I want people to say I am different from the person they had known earlier but I fear the people around me changing too rapidly and drastically. I want to remain in the safety net I have cast for myself where the only thing evolving is... me.
I never talked to her or approached her though there were many opportunities to do so. I am simply afraid of ruining that balance time and memories have so carefully set up. She smokes now, clubs incessantly and according to various sources can be both a popular bitch and a decent gal. Does she remember me at all or have I actually been the one changing rapidly and drastically to the point of non-recognition?
I was listening to a Snow Angel by Kotoko [I think], the theme song for the jap anime Onegai Teacher. The upbeat melody, chirpy singing and carefree-ness reminded me of her. It is amazing how one song links up all the memories and impressions I had of her and those brief years of our shared childhood. Amazing too how the lyrics cut quite close to the truth.

lux at 2:37 pm

0comments

Monday, August 30, 2004

implOSion

urgh!!! three essays due back to back - thurs, fri, mon. and one more ten days from monday. the stress! the shopping therapy! i just can't wait for the two-week sept hols. maybe then i'll be able to coo at baby penguins on philip island from a considerable distance. such is the lure of tourism!
today i bent over, head facing knees, and realised i could feel the bumps formed by my spine very clearly. at that moment i felt skeletal. so i went on a mini carbo binge with bread, biscuits and some instant noodles late into the night. i weighed myself: no change ever since i came over to oz. i don't know if i should be feeling relieved right now. i simply know that in some peeps' eyes i'm a lucky gal who eats crap but doesn't grow fat. however i also have an unflattering uninspiring figure.
right now i have to get those essays done with. so many words so little time.
nothing comes without cost. you can't have your cake and eat it too.

lux at 8:46 pm

0comments

Thursday, August 26, 2004

I've got phelgm in my throat!

It must be the pollen that comes with spring. Those evil little creatures which float in the air before clinging on to unsuspecting passers-by and crawling down to their lungs and then.... Ahhh ha ha Chooo! Now I am down with a sore throat and a fluey nose.
I haven't been eating properly the past few days. Food out or food which has sat in the fridge for over a week. The nutrients have all leaked straight out into the air and not into my system.
Guess what? My roommate has gone vegetarian! She didn't even tell me directly. I only happened to find out during a dinner at a friend's place when she announced that was the last time she will be touching meat. My mouth just dropped wide open. No wonder she refused to share the chicken breast meat I bought from the market earlier that day. I am supposed to be her closest friend this side of the continent but why do I feel like I'm always the last to find out her latest earth-shattering exploits?
Slowly slowly I feel myself being squeezed out of her life.

lux at 9:43 pm

0comments

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Slow Burn

Today the weather was warm and fuzzy, hitting 20 degrees on the quicksilver. For the first time since arriving here, I felt overdressed.
Yesterday I visited the Impressionist exhibition at the NGV International. The masterpieces appeared endlessly. The works of Renoir, Moreau, Toulouse-Lautrec, Monet, Cezanne... and of course, van Gogh. It was Starry Night over the Rhone and a work from his days at the hospital in Arles. Such exhibitions were hard to come back in Singapore. You are left gaping in awe.
There was the Man Ray showcase too. Next time then, I will be back to burn those images in my mind. One more time.

lux at 10:27 am

0comments

Thursday, August 19, 2004

"So strong is the belief in life, in what is most fragile in life--real life, I mean--that in the end this belief is lost.
...
Swift is Surrealist in malice,
Sade is Surrealist in sadism.
Chateaubriand is Surrealist in exoticism.
Constant is Surrealist in politics.
Hugo is Surrealist when he isn't stupid.
Desbordes-Valmore is Surrealist in love.
Bertrand is Surrealist in the past.
Rabbe is Surrealist in death.
Poe is Surrealist in adventure.
Baudelaire is Surrealist in morality.
Rimbaud is Surrealist in the way he lived, and elsewhere.
Mallarmé is Surrealist when he is confiding.
Jarry is Surrealist in absinthe.
Nouveau is Surrealist in the kiss.
Saint-Pol-Roux is Surrealist in his use of symbols.
Fargue is Surrealist in the atmosphere.
Vaché is Surrealist in me.
Reverdy is Surrealist at home.
Saint-Jean-Perse is Surrealist at a distance.
Roussel is Surrealist as a storyteller.
Etc."

quoted from Andre Breton's Manifesto of Surrealism (1924)

lux at 12:31 am

0comments

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

fweeeh!

I thought either a chirpy or bland entry will brighten up my angsty, emotionally charged blog. So from here on I will talk crap. The weather's getting warmer here - the sun is smiling more even if the winds still have yet to let up. I have taken to flopping around in thongs because the back of my feet have suffered abrasions from sneaker-wear. My wrigglies down south aren't numb from cold but next year I am swearing by Birkis.
I spent 50 buck on earrings at St. Kilda's beach's flea market. Stalls stretch down one long road. Being female and unashamedly buying into the consumerist culture, I splurged my parents' dosh on dangly thingys. I lurved them though. Have to say I have pretty decent taste myself.
Just discovered kahlua. Lurvely stuff there, kahlua.


I have just congratulated myself. This is both chirpy and bland.

lux at 10:22 pm

0comments

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

just feeling so tired

Do not criticise me for airing my views on a public blog. Afterall the authorisation of people allowed to read my blog is granted by me alone. In the instance when certain individuals 'chance' on my diary: it may be that they have no clue as to who I am and hence there are no consequences whatsoever; or that they have an inkling of who the heck I am and their proceeding to read it is no responsibility of mine. So I am the betrayer, the emotional blackmailer who prefers doing things indirectly not directly. What am I really supposed to do?
We have both blabbed to friends we have known well and for considerable time. And you have also blabbed to those you have known for under a month. I will not discount the quality of time you have spent with them but can I count this as basis for my irritation? This diary is to be that one fragment of my current life that will have little bearing on you but you sought it out and wrote about it in yours.
Am I supposed to respond to your admittance to having read the online manifestation of my thoughts? What happened to a tacit agreement in keeping certain affairs private?
Being seemingly depressed for over a week I feel this entry is the best way to go. I am getting so tired so I'll just do bulleted points from here on:

• refuse to sit with me for dinner at the table even when you room is just so nearby
• respond monosyllabically to my attempts at striking up conversation
• keep secrets which truths I find out unintentionally later through conversations with mutual friends
• not going out with or having dinner with me for over a week
• walking off when I start talking about my day even though I sat down listening to what little you had to say about yours
• am I getting this sense that, all of a sudden, there is this competition to see who is going to accumulate more friends in this short period of time?

Come on gal... We have known each other for so long. Our friends have always been known to each other but it is seldom that we see paths crossing. I respect the friends you make and keep a reasonable distance. And vice versa. What difference is there now?

lux at 3:48 pm

0comments

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Toys of the mind

when i was young i didn't play with barbie dolls.
i had jigsaw puzzles, lego, car assembly sets, books and peter rabbit thingamajigs.
i loved sitting on the bed with me sis, arranging all our pillows bolsters and blankets to build a ship. with snacks, masak masak and the remote control we imagined our ship drifting on the sea. there were sharks crocodiles but we fought them off. whenever an unknown presence hovered near we ducked under our blankies having each other and the darkened warmth for comfort.
i hid a little something under a tree in the park once. i went back once. i never saw it again.
some things are better left undiscovered. dont ask and there will be no answers.

lux at 1:05 pm

0comments

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Fusion confusion... Am I alone in this?

Eeeks!!! When I attended my first uni lecture which was for linguistics last week, I saw [what I thought] was a fairly attractive guy. So when I was moping around in school being, quite obviously, bored and lethargic I'd open my eyes just a little wider to sport him and other fascinating creatures out there - male or female.
Being lazy, I left Arrow today sans umbrella despite knowing that it had been raining and the clouds still looked loaded. Upon reaching school the skies began crying again. I walked around with just a coat, sneakers, soiled jeans and a measly file of documents. Hands in my pockets I ducked in and out of buildings.
I paused before walking out of the Archaelogy tower, contemplating my apparent stupidity. Then I saw a pink brolly moving towards me; the owner was wearing knee-high black boots and a denim skirt. As it neared me, I found myself staring. Into the face of the 'guy' I thought looked attractive with one earring on. I smiled back, tightly. Staring once more at the skirt and boots and the flash of muscular flesh.
Was the smile mocking me, or revealing the truth to me?

lux at 10:30 pm

0comments

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

face mask

lux at 11:38 pm

0comments

Knife for a Pestle

Things are getting more upbeat this side of the southern hemisphere when I decided to prepare my avocado dish.

Ingredients:
1 avocado
2 tbsps of yellow gum honey


Preparation:
Peel off the skin and dig out the avocado's heart of stone. Slice the flesh thinly and dump it into a big bowl. Using the stump end of the knife handle, pound the flesh vigorously into pulp. Struggle at trying to achieve a smooth, even texture. 45 minutes later, realise such effort is fruitless.
Chill the lumpy gunk. Wash the rest of the gunk off bowl, knife and spoon.
Drizzle honey over chilled gunk in bowl. Serve.

I feel kinda pukish now. Must be the lumps. And the excessive use of honey. Oooh and there's lotsa burping now.

lux at 11:13 pm

0comments