Friday, January 28, 2005
A knot in my dreams
A few nights ago, I drank too much water before hitting the sheets so my dreams became more vivid and real. So there was a dream coursing through my head and I remembered it so clearly then. My grandfather's presence was filling up every space in my dream. Perhaps it was not a dream, more a nightmare for it reminded me of the regret I felt, and still feel, for not being able to communicate with him. He was a figure I respected and love, and I was a granddaughter he loved. Yet such love only compounded the regret I felt when he passed away. I woke up slowly, and everything sank in steadily and surely. My bladder ached for instant relief but I felt myself sinking deeper into my sheets, my body huddling itself tighter into a ball.And then I found myself crying. The tears came, not in streams. It trickled and I could feel each drop falling. Three years on and the hurt never stops.
After coming back from the toilet I slept soundly, and the dream never came back. In the morning I could not remember what happened in my sleep. But the feeling still remains.
lux at 1:34 am
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Blanket cover
Today I was in my neighbourhood's mama shop looking for the pretzel bits I've been craving terribly for. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something small but conspicuous move. It turned out to be a cat! and it was oblivious to my presence. It crawled under one of the metal structures, tucked its head under a shelf and sat down, its swishing tail and fat black body visible for me to see. Waiting for that chance mouse, rat or cockroach? I was amused, and glad to see a significant furry other share the same aisle with me.I bought a six-pack winter melon tea. There were no pretzels to be found.
lux at 1:24 am
Saturday, January 22, 2005
regret?
All the risks I'm taking just by going to Oz. Sometimes I feel immense regret at what I'm doing - starting a new life in some faraway continent sans family, close friends and a lifestyle I've grown so comfortable with having and living. When I should be spending time with my sis as she goes through puberty, when she's at her most mentally and emotionally vulnerable and physically insecure. My dad and his body's fight against the silent prowlings of high blood pressure. My mum and her battle against the onslaught of time. Every year I age and she does too. But somehow time shows more visibly on her.And then all the regret of 'should-have-beens', 'would-have-beens' and 'might-have-beens' of my youth. Not doing this and that and wondering if I should have been this and that. All the relationships, competitions, classes of my teenage years and everything esle compounded into one huge regret. I find myself sighing so easily.
lux at 2:04 am
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Footy
Going to make this a quickie.My legs and feet have become a good gauge of my coming back home. Getting mosquito bites on the soles of my feet; having my scaly skin on my shins become unscaly; not getting cracked heels; and knowing the cellulite on my thighs show more visibly under the sunlight.
lux at 2:26 am
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Uber Trash
Years years back before I heard of the words 'alternative' and 'indie', I listened to pure unadulterated teenybopper pop. Now under the heady influences of Gwen Stefani's nonsense lyrics and Harajuku's nonsense fashion cycles, I'm once again converted.Tonight I'm gonna give you all my love in the back seat. *sing!* Bubble Pop Electric Bubble Pop Electric. Gonna speed it down and slow it up in the back seat. *sing!!* Bubble Pop Electric Bubble Pop Electric.
So here are my recommended pop songs of the moment. All of them excitingly noisy, messy and irresistible. So meaningless I'm falling head over heels in lurve.
1. Bubble Pop Electric Gwen Stefani Of course I've to mention this predictably unpredictable pop feline. Snarl, purr, growl and whine dearie. You were No Doubt, now you're harajuku honourary member.
2. Toxic Britney Spears A crazy introduction, crazy synthesised vocals and one helluva title. Fit for the januty strides on fashion catwalks. Pose and smile, darl...
3. Milkshake Kelis What ya suggesting dear? You think I don't know what ya milkshake's all about? I sure know where it's at, and it's where it's at.
4. Scar Missy Higgins In pop we celebrate diversity and at times, the edge of reason. Nowhere near as wacky as the above. Melburnian - simply have to plug her (guitar).
5. Push Up Freestylers The token male performance, which naturally pales in comparison to the antics of their counterparts. Sometimes however they may have some bite.
6. Whoever stops at 5? Cherry Lips (go baby go!) Garbage
She gave you everything she had
But she was young and dumb
She'd just turned twenty-one
She didn't care to hang around
So when the shit came down
Why she was nowhere to be found
This life can turn a good girl bad
She was the sweetest thing
That you had ever seen
You're such a delicate boy
In the hysterical realm
Of an emotional landslide
In physical terms
With your cherry lips and golden curls
You could make grown men gasp
When you'd go walking past them
In your hot pants and high heels
They could not believe
That such a body was for real
It seemed like rainbows would appear
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear
Because you looked just like a girl
Your baby blues would flash
And suddenly a spell was cast
You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance
Go Baby Go Go
We're right behind you
Go baby Go Go
Yeah we're looking at you
Go baby Go GO
Aw we're right behind you
Go Baby
Go Baby
Yeah we're looking at you
Go
lux at 1:55 am
Friday, January 14, 2005
You tell me... ?
For now I think it's better to be wanting. Better wanting than finally having what you wanted. The thrill and anxiety that comes with anticipation, yearning... wanting. Before I sleep and when I wake, my wanted stays with me. Occupying the spaces of my mind. My heart thumps ravenous heartbeats.But when I've finally gotten my wanteds, the hunger leaves me. Guilt washes over me - why can I not be contented with what I have? Cravings... cravings their intense knockings on the doors of my mind will simply fade with time. My energy can and should be channelled somewhere esle. What I have in front of me simply cannot fill the void left when want made way for have.
Damn everything! I want to be selfish, happy enough desiring more than what's good for me.
lux at 1:43 am
Monday, January 03, 2005
A piece of me
I think I write in this blog every once in a while because I feel like with every word about myself that I write here, I get closer to understanding what whirls around in my brain. How my heart and mind walk differently, the former paces ahead of the other. If I don't write about my life no one will write about it. I am but a selfish girl who is afraid of losing herself as she goes through the ordered mess of her daily life. Columns have been written about the philandering, wasteful ways of the rich and famous; novels dedicated to unravelling the crafts of great minds and thinkers; inches reserved for the rest with something special to share. What if I have nothing special to talk about let alone share? Do I try to make the ordinary extraordinary? Or is it better to leave the ordinary and mundane as it is - mundane and ordinary - not worth celebrating and certainly not aching to be written about.Which is probably why this blog exists at all.
lux at 11:40 pm
What you fear you find
... or something to the sound of that. But how true it is! I remember quoting the very-quotable her in one of my earlier entries so this is almost like coming full circle. Now there are ladies-in-waiting, marriages, a maritime journey or two and an imagination spanning the breadth of the horizon."My husband married me so that his liaisons with other women, being forbidden, would be more exciting. Danger was an aphrodisiac to him: he wanted nothing easy or gentle. His way was to cause whirlwinds. ... What did it matter if he need a certain kind of outlet, so long as he loved me? I wanted to love him; I was determined to be happy with him. I had not been happy before.
...
I soon discovered that the women he preferred were the inmates of a lunatic asylum. With them he arranged mock marriages in deserted barns. ... He had them straight after on a pig-trough altar. Most were virgins. He liked to come home to me smelling of their blood.
Does the body hate itself so much that it seeks release at any cost?
I didn't kill him. I left him to walk the battlements of his ruined kingdom; his body was raddled with disease. The same winter he was found dead in the snow.
Why could he not turn his life towards me, as trees though troubled by the wind yet continue in the path of the sun?"
Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry
Grove Press NY
All the pressures of marriage will they come tumbling on me ten years from now? Or will I leap leap leap like a flying fish outta water towards the sunset?
lux at 1:27 am
Saturday, January 01, 2005
sateen ribbon
I have to revive this blog. To stop my mind from getting drowsy with lethargy, unsatisfying hiphop/r&b punes [pop-tunes] and tepid conversations with some peeps. To be more comfortable with the off-beat, eccentric and understated morbidity.Rub salt generously on my ulcer, wince from the pain. And wonder why the worst, less meaningless things in life hurt the least, cost the least.
One year on and I feel like I have been walking on a treadmill. I have got the pace, in the mood, with a goal. But I am headed nowhere. All the stored up energy and nothing to expend it on.
So this year where am I headed? I am not too sure but I know I have got to exfoliate my mind. With some music, books, food and hopefully a few good scripts to boot.
lux at 11:57 pm