Friday, January 28, 2005
A knot in my dreams
A few nights ago, I drank too much water before hitting the sheets so my dreams became more vivid and real. So there was a dream coursing through my head and I remembered it so clearly then. My grandfather's presence was filling up every space in my dream. Perhaps it was not a dream, more a nightmare for it reminded me of the regret I felt, and still feel, for not being able to communicate with him. He was a figure I respected and love, and I was a granddaughter he loved. Yet such love only compounded the regret I felt when he passed away. I woke up slowly, and everything sank in steadily and surely. My bladder ached for instant relief but I felt myself sinking deeper into my sheets, my body huddling itself tighter into a ball.And then I found myself crying. The tears came, not in streams. It trickled and I could feel each drop falling. Three years on and the hurt never stops.
After coming back from the toilet I slept soundly, and the dream never came back. In the morning I could not remember what happened in my sleep. But the feeling still remains.
lux at 1:34 am