Saturday, January 14, 2006
Que sera sera? selah
Life gets more compellingly difficult, and complicated, with every month that passes. The new year has quite comfortably settled in, as I find myself uttering the right numerals and stopped referring to the current year in future tense. However while my body moves forward, my mind is stalled by a habitual tendency to backtrack. What is so compellingly difficult is how I backtrack and remain there, mired and stuck in limbo.The past week has been one of realisation and confusion. I dislike it when people, especially my mum, tell me I should do something with gifts I am supposed to be blessed with. I am no genius; and gifts, being alone, fades away without effort. I kick myself for not trying harder, for not being more 'proactive' (oh how I detest that word. is being active not enough? and if I act on it, do I really want to do it?). I always knew I enjoyed doing certain things and realising, in many more unexplainable, inexplicable ways, I was recognised for doing them. However it is no longer enough to be good, above average or remarkable, one has to continue upping the stakes, garner continual praises and be excellent, extraordinary, incomparable. Gifts are no longer natural endowments, they become quantifiable - never yours to keep but others to judge. So if I was as good as some people made me out to be some time in a distant past, why am I not doing nothing with anything in the present? I realised I am burdened by everything the past has made me out to be.
Where is the passion? Where is that vortex which attracts and draws out energy from within me? I would like to know, because for now, I feel like there is a small vortex within me myself which is slowly swallowing what passion remains within me. It is selfish and allows me to produce nothing tangible and satisfying.
I fluctuate between two states - that of being wholy fulfilled and the other, of being increasingly empty and drained out. The former is of hope, the latter of hope being run over by the drudgeries of time and lethargy. I try convincing myself that if I just took a rest and not work at proving anything to anyone, I would come marginally closer to achieving the true peace promised by the first state. Silly! Who is my worst, most insidious and deceptive enemy?
Is it me?
lux at 1:11 pm