Monday, September 05, 2005

When pain morphs into Pain

Today I walked a bit too quickly, a bit furiously. This was how I usually walked in Melbourne anyway but today was a tad different - I was on heels. There was a metal buckle on the strap of each heel which went over my toes. So as I went clicking, kicking around Melbourne's little lanes, pounding the gravel I did not know what I was doing to my feet.
When I came back home I was changing into my track pants when I saw that my right foot's fourth toe was quite gruesomely bloodied. The skin had been abraised and blood had smudged itself liberally over my whole toe. The moment I saw this mess I never once intended to consciously cause, I felt pain for my little toe. It was not pain, not at all, I simply imagined and concluded (logically) that it was. Of course the reality of sensation hit me when I bathed. The first time warm water touched it I felt a jolt of pain. But that was just all because 30 seconds into my bath I was already numbed to this self-inflicted physical pain. No I am not some irrational masochist who relishes moments of striking, shocking sensations. Blood should flow when it should and not lost in some wasted manner.
However it is Pain, that which is mental and emotional, that hurts tremendously. I cannot bandage it up, apply antiseptic to it or numb it with more heat and pressure. Maybe it is because I do not want this heart and mind of mine to die as yet. If death is a non-issue I will not be in pain anymore, would I? When you know you messed up real badly, when the only one raising the stakes was you, you are in for a lot of regret. And I prayed: I need to be the one in focus, not self-righteous or selfish or confused, but doing and saying things with love, sensitivity and deep understanding. I know I have screwed things up somewhere, somehow and now I need to take care to heal the pain I have inflicted on others, and myself.

lux at 11:06 am

1comments

1 Comments

at 6:40 pm  Wormmie Wood said...

hi, lurve.
when i saw the word "morphs", tink of my assignment title oso name morphs. =]
How's everything?
How's ur bloodied toe?
I wish u happy and chirpy owez..my dear fren.
sorry a cos my comments doesn't related to ur story.
Haha, i wanna write sumthing but my eng not good...so let it be.
Nite, dear.

 

Post a Comment